roominthecastle:

1. I’ll get you more pumpkin. I’ll ram it right up your fucking ass. Would you like it whole or diced?
2. What’s going on? Who’s shouting and screaming? You’re not a fucking cheerleader!
3. SHUT IT DOWN!
4. Let me give you a cheer: C. R. A. P. Crap. That’s what it was.
5. Would you like me to fucking e-mail it to your Blackberry?
6. Buy a restaurant, put one table in there. Any more than that, you’ll be fucked.
7. You’re on Desserts. Don’t eat any.
8. If you saute scallops in a non-stick pan, they won’t stick. That’s why it’s called fucking non-stiiiiiiick!!!
9. Would you mind taking your breasts off my hot plate?
10. My work is done. I’m ready for the next challenge. So fuck you all.
11. You’re just standing there like one big fucking overgrown muffin.
12. Now you’re blaming the squid?!
13. You’re not a quitter? You’re not a fucking cook, either.
14. FUCK ME!
15. That’s not a fucking sauté pan. That’s a FURNACE!
16. You move like a fucking tortoise giving birth.
17. Talking to you in service is like talking to a refrigeration unit. You’re stone-cold.
18. Let’s give a big round of applause to the captain who hit an iceberg on the fucking Titanic.
19. You got more fake tan on you than Paula Abdul.
20. Can I have some decent eggs? They are like Pamela Anderson’s fucking implants.
21. Fuck generosity.
22. Your steak just turned a 16-year old girl into a vegetarian.
23. He’s more laid-back than an ironing board.
24. Crap on top of crap on top of crap on top of crap. 
25. Why are you behaving like a baby? Do you want a fucking diaper?
26. It’s fucking RAW!
27. YOU’RE CREMATING EVERYTHING!!!
28. You’re scaring me. You’re like the female version of fucking Hannibal Lecter. Put your fucking tongue in and concentrate.
29. It’s not, ‘please, may you cook my John Dory.’ It’s ‘move your ass, get it cooked again, that’s the fourth time now!’
30. Stand up straight. You’re running a kitchen, not an ale bar.
31. Holy mackerel.
32. Well done! Now fuck off!
33. Charlie’s on the garnish, Robert’s on the garnish and Wil’s on Planet Cuckoo.
34. Tonight we were overconfident, lazy, slow and somewhat pathetic. 
35. You are so fucked, it’s unbelievable.
36. Please, Miss Manners, fuck off back in line!
37. I’m watching you like a fucking hawk.
38. Did you cook them? For how long? That could hold up a fucking suspension bridge.
39. If that’s a pommes fondantes, yeah, then I’m the fucking Pope.
40. Where’s the OFF button?
41. Two Wellington, two chicken, one lamb, one fucking John Dory. One Wellington’s medium, the rest is fucking normal. Unlike us. 
42. This dish is definitely something that you’re not. This is pretty.
43. Your special has now become not very special, thanks to fuckface there.
44. It’s rawer than a sushi bar!
45. This guy’s not real. He’s braindead!
46. Pig!
47. Wake up, you donut!
48. Jean Philippe. Jean Philippe! JEAN PHILIPPE!!!
49. Donkeys’ Kitchen. Should we change the logo? DK?
50. None of you have seen me go fucking crazy yet.

OH GORDON. <3
I especially love 5, 8, 11, 26, 32, 33, and the classic 47.
I wish I could talk like this guy and get away with it.